Take care everyone and thanks for reading!
In Brian Martin's book Invincible, he identifies lies that those of us who grew up in a home with childhood domestic violence (CDV) believe. One lie that children raised in a home with domestic violence may believe, is that it is safer to be alone. This lie makes it very difficult for the child in adulthood to connect and to trust. CDV makes it difficult to allow someone in and to open up and be vulnerable with them. This lie also makes it difficult to trust your partner and to be open with them about thoughts, feelings and needs. Martin's book goes on to explain that when we do connect and place our trust in others, we find great happiness and fulfillment. If this blog hits home with you and your struggles with connecting, I encourage you to read Invincible by Brian Martin.
Take care everyone and thanks for reading!
Changing our behavior or our way of thinking can be very difficult and frustrating. It is important to realize the successes you have made through learning. The truth is, you can learn and you have learned a great deal up to this point in your life. If you feel stuck or helpless with a pattern in your life, remind yourself, "I can learn". I can learn something new and something different, things can change. Progress is happening right now, even in this moment, just because we back slide or begin to struggle with a recurring issue, it does not mean that we are not progressing. Change takes time, but we can find a way to learn and make new decisions gradually that are based on learning and this is progress.
Take care everyone, focus this week on being mindful of what you have learned, what you still need to learn and that you are learning right now even in this moment.
Have a great week and thanks for reading!
John Bradshaw breaks down the rhythm of life- holding on and letting go- to it's most basic and primal expression...breath. Bradshaw describes holding on and letting go as "life". When we meditate, we practice this symbol of holding on and letting go. When we focus on our breathing, we reconnect to ourselves. We discover that we do have the ability to hold on and to also let go. Breath is life, when you are having a difficult time holding on or letting go, take your mind off of your issue for just a moment and reconnect with your breath. Breathing in through your nose, holding the breath and then letting it go will begin to help you to address areas in your life where you may be struggling. When we practice breathing, we are practicing the act of holding on and letting go.
Take care everyone, I hope you practice the art of breathing and thanks for reading...
Kindness has the power to transform through it's creative process. According to Lao Tzu, kindness can create confidence through the use of words. Kindness can create profoundness through the use of thoughts. Kindness can create love through the act of giving. If you doubt the power of kindness, I encourage you to implement kindness the next time you are in a difficult situation. Try being kind, wether you use words, your thoughts or an act of giving. Kindness does have transforming power that is capable of creating and transforming.
Take care everyone, and remember to show someone some kindness today, see what it can create in you!
Thanks for reading!
We have just been given the gift of a new year! What would you like to do with your present? Take some time to decide what you would like your year to look like. What would you like to do with the time you have been given? Instead of just going through the same motions that we did in 2017, let's use the time in this year to achieve some goals that we want to accomplish in our lives. Watch for up coming blog posts on goal setting.
Take care everyone, and thanks for reading!
We have just a couple of more days left until the new year. As we wind down on 2017, it is important to be mindful that we still have time to grow and to reach higher. Let's think about what we would like to let go of in 2017 and do our best to let it go. Make a list of things, people, disappointments, emotions and thoughts that you would like to let go of, tie them to the end of a balloon and then let it go. Let's free ourselves of "old ways" of thinking and emotions and thoughts that get us stuck. This is a great time to choose to just let go of things that have confused us, hurt us or disappointed us. Remember, this is a choice, and any time you catch yourself thinking about the past hurt, or disappointment, remind yourself "Oh ya, I let that go", or learn to say, "It used to bug me, but I have let that go".
Take care everyone, I hope you use the rest of this year to let go and to free yourself. Thanks for reading.
When you go through the mundane or the difficult times, what are you working for? Are you working to make yourself stronger, or miserable? When we go through difficult things, we always have a choice. We can embrace it and grow and become stronger, or we can fight it, complain, resist, and make ourselves miserable, either path is work. These difficult things can be, emotional, spiritual or physical. The work we do is work, it's all a struggle, it is all a pain. Maybe, the beauty is in what we get from it, and being open to getting something from the work we are doing. I encourage you to let the work you do make you stronger, let it help you to grow and to be more than you were when you began the work.
Take care everyone, and thanks for reading...
Brian Martin discusses the idea of resentment in his book Invincible. Martin discusses how we become resentful of others when we do not show compassion to ourselves for our past experiences. We do not show compassion to others when we do not have compassion for ourselves. Growing up in a home with childhood domestic violence, we may not have had anyone show us compassion and teach us how to give ourselves compassion. This can lead us to resentment because if no one was there for us, then why should someone be there for someone else? Instead of hanging on to the hurt of injustice, maybe we can try to understand our experience and be there for ourselves now in the present. Showing ourselves compassion is a necessary part of our road to healing. Once we can show ourselves compassion we become less resentful of others when they are hurting and we are free to show them compassion. Do something today to begin to help yourself heal. Try being mindful of little you and your past experience and tell that kid, "It was not your fault, you deserved so much more!" Take care everyone, regardless of what you were taught, choose to be compassionate to yourself today!
Have a great rest of your day and thanks for reading!
Have you ever thought about what freedom looks like? According to Brian Martin, author of Invincible, action is freedom made visible. Wow! What a concept, that means that when we act or take action, we are free! I love this! It is such a great reminder that if I am free I need to be taking action in my life. Also, if I am taking action then it is because I am free. Moving forward, I want to be sure that in all the areas of my life that I do not like, or that I am unhappy in, I will be taking action because I am free and I want to remain free. If there is an area of your life, that you are not taking action in, be mindful. Look for areas that you are not practicing your freedoms and then take action. Being an adult is being responsible for your life. So take action and begin to live the life you want!
Take care everyone, be encouraged and take some action for your life!
Now that the stress of Thanksgiving and Black Friday has come to an end, we can all take a breath and begin to relax. Let's keep this breathing and relaxing going into our new week, and then the new month and onto the new year. Be mindful of when you are sweating the small stuff. When you catch yourself sweating the small stuff, take a deep breath and imagine that the air you are breathing out is the small thing that you were about to get worked up over. Let's try to relax more, breath more and let go of what we can. Not everything is a big thing, and yet sometimes we treat even the smallest of things as if they are big things. Try being more mindful today and tomorrow and so on, so that you can have peace and relax more and not be so stressed out.
Take care everyone, I hope you see what, "Not sweating the small stuff" can do for you!
We at Capstone Counseling are so thankful for all the lives and experiences that have been shared with us. During this time we love to reflect and to be reminded and to share all that we are thankful for. We know that the holidays can be a difficult time of year for many. We also know that there is always something to be thankful for. We encourage you to find it and hang on to that thought. Name what you are thankful for, we are thankful for you!
Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for reading!
Live the life you want. Do the things that bring life, happiness and love into your life. So many of us keep ourselves from the life we want. Dream big and go for it. Every person that is living a life they want, started with a dream and an idea of what their life could look like and then they made small steps towards that dream. Don't stop to contemplate it or allow yourself or others to discourage you. Just keep taking the steps forward. Sometimes, we have to just go and not think so much, trusting a process and following it can lead us to our lives. If you are not living the life you wanted, I would argue because it's not your life. So go get YOUR life, one that is specific and precious to you. Be grateful for all of it, yes, but don't settle and don't get stuck. If you are stuck, start dreaming again and then take the small steps necessary to work towards a life you want. Don't allow anyone to take your life, not yourself, a partner, a fear, a parent or a stranger. You decide your life, you decide what you want. Dream big and go for it, that is what any other person has done that is living their life. Close your eyes and image yourself in your perfect life. What are you wearing, what does the environment feel like, what's around you and what are you doing in this life of yours. Hold tight to that image and refuse to let it go. Make steps towards achieving it, it's not about what anyone else is doing to you, for you, or around you, and it's everything about what do you want and how do you start to go for it. You deserve a life, and a life you love, now go get it!
Take care everyone and stay encouraged!
In Brian Martin's book Invincible, he quotes Renee McDonald's point of how "There are many more children in battered women's shelters than women." When I read these words, my heart sank. What a disgusting, alarming point this makes. When we think and hear about domestic violence, most of us think about adult victims. It escapes our attention that children can be part of this equation, and in fact there are more children than adults being negatively impacted by this controlling abuse in battered women's shelters. Martin goes on to discuss how children are not just a "witness" to domestic violence because that word has an implication of passivity and we now know that children are directly impacted from growing up in a home with childhood domestic violence occurring. These children need help, they need a voice and they need someone to hear them and to let them know it is not their fault. If we as a society want to stop domestic violence we need to be focusing on prevention. We need to educate our children and our communities on what domestic violence is and allow children to share their experiences. The childhood domestic violence association created a Change a Life program. Anyone can visit their website found here https://cdv.org/tools-and-resources/the-change-a-life-program/ and become "The One" in a child's life to help them to deal with and over come childhood domestic violence. This is a great resource for all of us, anyone who comes into contact with a child can help that child through conversations and this evidence based program can give you the words, direction and confidence to help. It just takes a few minutes to complete and it's free!
Take care everyone, I hope you feel encouraged to help where you can.
Have a great week and thanks for reading...
I love that Tony Robbins points out that those who grew up in childhood domestic violence (CDV) paid a price but also received a gift for the cost. In Brian Martin's book Invincible, Robbins attests to the fact that those raised in childhood domestic violence (CDV) are victorious and have vast inner strength. The things that those who grew up in CDV faced left them with compassion, courage and strength. If you were raised in CDV, please educate yourself on its' effects and lies you may continue to believe about yourself and your place in the world. Take care everyone, and check out Martin's book for more information.
Thanks for reading and have a great week!
The Childhood Domestic Violence Association defined CDV as "Any person who grows up in a home living with domestic violence." Childhood domestic violence or CDV negatively impacts a child's life and these impacts can be carried on into adulthood. Brian Martin, author of Invincible, identified lies that adults who grow up in CDV may believe about themselves. Adults who grow up in CDV need to seek help to ensure that they will be able to engage in healthy relationships as adults. Martin's book also identified the truths that help to set those that grew up in CDV free. If you or someone you know and love experienced CDV, please seek help. Invincible by Brian Martin is a great place to start. Take care everyone and thanks for reading!
The Childhood Domestic Violence Association is taking and making great strides in addressing the issue of childhood domestic violence or CDV. CDV occurs in a child's home where there is domestic violence going on. If you were raised in a home where there was domestic violence, then it is important to be mindful that you may suffer some consequences because of that environment as an adult. The Childhood Domestic Violence Association has stated that awareness and understanding can begin to address some of the related issue surrounding CDV. Sharing our experiences and educating ourselves on the ramifications of growing up in a home that had domestic violence is important in preventing and addressing it. Check out our next week's blog that lists some potential adverse affects of growing up in a home with CDV.
Take care everyone and thanks for reading, please share this information so we can all do our part in overcoming CDV.
Rumi said to be like a tree and to let the dead leaves drop. This is a sad but necessary part of life and part of growing. We are like trees, we get excited when new leaves start to bloom in our lives. This represents new life, new growth and may even represent warmth and sunshine. Most of us get excited when the leaves turn colors and we then experience a different beauty, it reminds us to be appreciative of the trees and what they bring to our lives. However, the mess that follows is typically unattractive, it makes a giant mess and it takes work to clean it up. If we apply this to our lives, I think that we will find that sometimes it is necessary to be like a tree and know when to let things in our lives go. Rumi pointed out that the leaves that fall are dead leaves, they are no longer alive. In our lives, at times, different things do help to bring life to us and yet we are not like the trees. We hang on and this can be for several reasons. Sometimes we hang on out of obligation, or guilt or shame and sometimes we hang on because we don't want to be vulnerable just like the tree with no leaves. I hope that there comes a point in all of our lives, when we would rather be vulnerable and want new life more than whatever has driven us to keep holding on to something that is dead.
Take care everyone, I trust that you will begin to let go of what is holding you back, so that you can move forward in your life have a great week and thanks for reading.
We tend to have multiple tools for the same job, and not all of the tools we use are the right tool for the job. Have you tried and tried to use the wrong tool for the job. One example that comes to mind is trying to cut a new loaf of bread with a butter knife. It will eventually cut it, but only after I have destroyed the entire loaf of bread. Using the incorrect blade for cutting wood, tile or steel also is less effective and can cost you both time and money. Communication tools can be misused as well. For example, we may be using tools that were never designed for communication. We often can clearly see the damage that using the incorrect tool has caused. Knowing what needs to be repaired, addressed or identified is part of communication skills. However, at times we will continue to use a communication tool that is clearly ineffective and instead of replacing the tool, we get better at using what we have. We also tend to do it "harder, louder and longer". To be able to use the right tool, we need to first asses the tools we have and the tools we are using. For example, do we use a mega phone to communicate, or boxing gloves or running shoes? It starts with understanding ourselves first and then knowing what we need to educate ourselves on. There are times we need new different tools, and other times we need help learning how to use the tools that we may already have.
I hope you use this week to focus on your communication tools, and to begin to identify what tools are not working for the job that you are intending to do, and then educate yourself. Google communication skills or watch videos on Youtube.
Take care everyone and have a great week!
Sometimes the thought of beginning again is encouraging and sometimes it's discouraging. One way to begin again is in making peace. Sometimes we have to make peace with ourselves, our choices, actions or in relationships. Making peace allows us to grow and to begin again. Most times, the peace we need to make is within ourselves and then that frees us to make peace with others. At some point, we all need to begin again, the better we get at making peace the better we get at growing.
Take care everyone, I hope you find your way of making peace... Have a great week!
Today is a new day and today is what you have to work with right now. With each day comes a fresh start, a new chance. No matter how many days prior we have "blown" it, with today comes a fresh start for us, if we take it. We can choose to hang on to past regrets and bad decisions or out comes we may have encountered and not see today as a fresh start and stay stuck as long as we want to. We can also decide that today is a fresh start and decide to make the most of what we have in this moment. This does not mean that we do not have to clean up our mess, but we can clean up our mess and see today as a fresh start. Try giving yourself a break and seeing today as a fresh start. Take a breath and a step towards a new direction. If you truly do get a fresh start the sky will be the limit for you, but if you choose not to take today as a fresh start, there is a great chance that very little will change for you,
Be kind to yourself and give yourself a fresh start today!
Take care everyone and thanks for reading.,,
Do you ever feel like you keep learning the same lesson over and over, to the point where you finally say something like, "When am I going to learn?" Do you ever find you are frustrated with your self or your circumstances because you feel like you are on repeat? I would challenge you to learn. Don't just keep living your life... learn from it. Life is constantly offering us great opportunities to learn and to grow from. We don't grow when we do not learn. Challenge yourself, the next time you go through something, especially involving great discomfort or loss, ask yourself what you learned from it, and also what you could have or what you will try to do differently next time. We are in such a hurry these days that we do not take the time to learn and to grow. It does take time, time to reflect and to slow down so we can observe and think about what it is that we are learning and doing. Journaling is a great way to begin to track and make sense of ourselves and our experiences. Tracking your mood is a simple and easy place to start. Each day at the bottom of your calendar, draw a face or a symbol of your overall mood and then jot some notes (even bullet points will do) about your experiences that day.
We hope you are encouraged to keep living and to go a step further, LEARN.
Thanks for reading and take care everyone!
At times we get caught up in "winds" of our lives or of the world and we lose our rest. We get so focused on trying to calm the winds of the sea that our level of stress, anxiety and frustration can run rampant. Aristotle Onassis had the idea that instead of focussing on how to make the "sea" rest, we can instead learn to sail. Learning to sail in our lives can look a number of different ways. Every one of us can always get better at life. Some aspects may be finances. Getting better at budgeting or managing our money is one area that we can begin to sail in high winds. Another area, may be in stress management skills. Learning how to cope with our stress and take care of ourselves is an area that helps us to sail in our sea, instead of focusing on calming the sea. Making schedules, meal planning, exercising, reading and more are all examples of areas we can learn to sail in. My hope for you this week, is that you take the time to inventory your life and decide a couple of areas that you would like to get better at sailing in and then take the time you need to develop more skills.
Take care everyone and have a great week!
It is important to learn to say no and to be okay with it. Learning to say no helps us to reach our goals, spend and save money how we need and want to, keeps us safe and helps us to cut down on our stress. If you are currently stressed, not achieving your goals or find yourself in unsafe circumstances, then this blog may be for you. There are multiple ways to say no. Saying things like, "not right now" or "it's not a good time", "thank you for the offer, that will not work for me right now" etc are all examples of how to say no. We don't always have to come right out and say "no", however, there are times when that is the only way to say "No".
There are times when saying no to our present is saying yes to our future. This is one reason why it is so important to set goals. When we have goals we have a clear understanding of what we are giving up when we say yes to things and no to others. Another idea that helps us to say no, is to have a schedule. When we make a schedule, it can be easier to say to no, because we know what we are doing that day and time and can let the other the person know. For example, if I am invited to a movie, but I have a goal to save $1000 and not spend until it's saved, then I may say something like, "thanks so much for the offer, but I am trying to save $1000 right now. I would love to go with you as soon as I hit my goal, but thanks for asking." An example of how a schedule can help you say no, may be, "thanks so much for the invite, tonight is Tuesday and I am running this evening and I have to go through my budget, but thanks so much for the invite."
These ideas help us to not only say no, but to also to be mindful of what we are saying no to if we do say yes, when we know we need to say no. For the first example, had I said "yes" then I would be saying no to achieving my goal of saving $1000. In the second example, had I said yes, I would then be saying no to taking care of my health and making sure I am staying on track of my finances. The inability to say no, can also greatly increase our stress and often times, it's because of what we are saying "no" to, and it's usually to ourselves.
This week, try making a schedule and setting some goals and then use them to help you to say no. Check out our other blogs for tips on goal setting and schedule making.
Take care everyone and thanks for reading!
Last week we blogged about having a morning routine and today we would like to suggest a night time routine as well. Having a night time routine helps you to get to bed on time with less stress, which allows you to fall asleep more quickly. A night time routine also helps you to have a productive morning and helps to set you up for success for the next day. The list above are some suggestions of what you can implement into your routine, things you can also add are to pack your lunch for tomorrow, journal etc. The most important thing that you can do is to make the routine yours so that it works for your life. The routine is not something to set in stone, it will change over time as your life changes and we need to be willing to make our routine adapt. Having a night time routine will help you stay on track, reduce stress and improve your mood.
Take care everyone and we hope you find success with a night time routine as we have!
Routines that are helpful to your life are a great way to decrease stress and stay on top of your responsibilities. Routines help us get through the day and often times make getting out of bed easier. We have lots of different routines throughout our day. The point is to be intentional with our routines and to be sure that we are making necessary changes if our routines are not working for our lives. Above, is an example of a morning routine, please use this list as an example you can add to it or take away from it. I will tell you that lots of successful individuals get up before 6:30 in the morning. If you are not currently getting up at that time, I suggest trying it for two weeks and see if you have an improvement in your mood and daily functioning unless you work a swing shift or graveyard shift, then be sure you are getting 7-9 hours of sleep. Things add, may be brush your teeth, take out the trash etc.
These tasks are nothing more than suggestions, I trust that you will find what works for you.
Take care everyone and good luck with your morning routines!